Much too long...

It has been much too long since I took the time to write down my thoughts instead of just letting them swim around my brain. I think they’re drowning up there, so perhaps this will give them a breath of fresh air. Everyone needs a breath of fresh air, even thoughts.

Much has changed in my life. Relationships end. Relationships begin. Old wounds heal, new are formed, and questions persist. However, I find that amidst all the questions, like always, I feel incredibly blessed. I feel blessed that I am not complacent in my life, and that God is blessing me with a renewed view of Him and just the enormity of Him. Lately, doubts crowd, and honestly, it makes me feel guilty. I feel ashamed for doubting the truth that is Christ. Through the guidance and loving counsel of my friends, however, Christ finds my heart in truth and love. As Donald Miller puts it about Christ, “There is so much more, so much that can’t be explained, so much more than our minds could possibly understand. It makes me wonder at the difficulty God himself had in explaining His nature to His own creation.” The mystery of God’s nature is intriguing to me, but I think what I’m learning is that I must choose to believe in my doubt, choose to cling onto the only source of truth and life that I have known and felt to be true in my heart. I want to choose light and life, and I find myself wondering why that is just so hard, and why I feel alone in that struggle. Perhaps I am not trusting, and, I think sometimes I just want to stop the struggle, turn off my mind and float through life. I think I over-intellectualize life in my pea sized brain and forget that God asks us to come to Him as children. I wonder if a child simply at play is much more glorifying to God than all our attempts to understand Him and fit Him into our little boxes and formulas. Maybe there are only a few real and true things we really need to understand. Christ is life. I know that.

I also know that I’m so thankful for the people that love me, the people who don’t shun me for feeling lost, confused, and doubtful. I think those people are my beacons of hope, and the lights that lead me to love and truth, and to Christ Himself