bamboo shoots

i wrote this a while ago, and just found it in my desk. i thought i would post it.

i have a bamboo. it sits on my desk and never moves. on the first week of work most of it dies, but one green branch continues to live. I almost threw it away because the biggest and most beautiful part died off, but then i figured i should encourage its meager, but very green life. i have continued refilling its water, but it does not grow. its tiny leaves look as though they are reaching out for something, and while it may have grown slightly, it is undetectable to my eye.

for some reason i have grown attached to it. maybe as a source of life, or simply as a little green friend (one not from mars). i send out e-mails to my friends and often include the status of my bamboo's life. one of my friends went so far as to say i was obsessed with it. as much as i hate the word "obsessed" (a little too paris hilton for me) it's true. i keep waiting for it to do something, to sprout a new leaf or tell me something i don't already know. i think maybe because i've given it a second chance i've upped the ante a little as far as my expectations go. here's your second chance at life, now make something of it!

i think my life lately is a little like my bamboo. part of my old life has died- a part that i grew vey attached to, and felt very comfortable with. as much as i hate this aspect of life, it is true. the people and objects and places we leave behind seem to really be LEFT behind. people say they live on in our memories and fond thoughts, but there is a sort of death that must happen for new life to occur. i guess the glory of things as they were die as we move on to experience more joy. what's left is often small and frightened, but it yearns for life- to grow into something meaningful and true.

i have the desire- now let's see if i can grow here. if my bamboo has a chance i guess i do too.

a right to be wrong

coming from a girl who has spent most of her life trying to be right, this song is very liberating to me...

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
i`ve got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
i`ve got a right to be wrong

Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to faced it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the bone
See, I'm not made of stone

I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone
I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down to long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe

I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

i am

lately i have more time since i have finished all my grad school applications. although it's great i find myself putting certain standards on the free time i now have...i should read more. i should write more. i should eat less. i shouldn't watch too much tv. i should make plans with my girl friends. i should call all the people i've lost touch with. i should run more errands because doesn't it seem like the more errands you run, the more control you have over your life? i could use some shampoo or something.

the list of shoulds and shouldn'ts. it's not a very fun list. i think it should look more like this-i should be me. i should call who i want to call and read when i want to read. i should watch tv if i want to and i should spend more time with myself.

while that list is great, it still needs a little work.

i am.

that is even better. God is called the great "I am" and it makes me wonder why sometimes we can't just be okay with "being." while we may not be great "i ams" we could at least start by being tiny "i ams." i cannot figure out myself, i cannot figure out God, but when all else fails i am comforted by the simple truth that i am.

judge alex

how many judge tv shows are there now? i just turned on the television (a mistake already) and judge alex is on. two women are arguing over small amounts of money. i mean, come on. judge judy. judge joe brown. divorce court....that i can even name that many seems a little frightening to me, and by the way, judge alex? is he even a real judge?. Although I ridicule television, I have to admit i just programmed "the bachelor" into my sister's tivo (i'm too poor to subscribe myself).

living in the world, but not of it. is this possible? I know one woman who makes it seem a very distinct possibility. she lives on less than $800 a month, does not own a televison, wears sweats most of the time, never wears make-up. she does not own a couch (of that one, i'm not sure why), and re-gifts most of the gifts given to her. Her smile instantly warms me. she used to work in the business world and quit her job to work at a golf course simply because she enjoys the work. she's unmarried, in fact, i doubt she has ever desired marriage. Although I have only met her twice, those times have been moments of awareness, silence, peace, and joy. when i went home over the holidays i saw her at a spiritual gathering and we didn't even speak (she spent all of december in silence), but she didn't need to. The love she brought with her was enough to fill the room and spill out the building. I am not writing this to glorify her, but to recognize this beautiful power that lives within us all- this ability to surrender our attachment to the world and live according to a spiritual purpose. The truth is, we don't need half the things we have convinced ourselves we need. we aren't entitled to them either. this is not to say we shouldn't welcome things of the material world with thanksgiving. i shouln't, however, trust them or attach myself to them.

although i have much to learn in this arena, for now i think i'll just turn off judge alex and read.

silence

I just finished writing in my journal. I asked God to bring me closer to Him. Sometimes I feel so lost in questions and the oppressive nature of my own insecurity that I feel as though I get tunnel vision. I feel like I'm chasing after God and He's constantly on the horizon. The trick with the horizon is that you can never actually get there by chasing after it. It's always just there, you can choose to look at it if you want, but you don't have to. It kind of made me realize, Here is God now, in this moment, right with me, now, not a minute ago or in another minute to come. His presence is constant, I can choose to live in the beauty of God's presence or to chase Him into the future or into the past. I want to choose NOW. And in this moment of silence I am alive.

In the presence of God I find I notice where I am. I do not live beyond this moment. I see the richness of color, I see the hurt or joy in a friend's eyes. I feel the soft cushion of the couch beneath me. I hear the hum of a passing train. Everywhere is something to be taken in and cherished by the senses. We were not meant to miss such things. Most joyfully of all, we may come to realize "The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say 'here it is,' or 'there it is,' because the kingdom of God is within you" I hope that I will continue to meditate on this reality in my time shared with God. It is not here nor there. The truth of Jesus and the kingdom of God lives within you.

unanswered questions

I just read two of my friends blogs on different subjects. One dealt with how someone struggles to see God in the most depraved circumstances. The other dealt with the way Christians deal with homosexuals- how much they hurt, and to a large degree how much that is a result of Christian insensitivity and lack of compassion. Both these got me thinking about how many questions we have- that may never be answered. Every day I wonder why my heart cries out so much more than it recieve answers. I wonder why sometimes the most real people to me don't love Jesus. And even more than that, I wonder why the people who are hiding things do know Jesus. What do we have to hide from Him? It makes me wonder where Jesus really is in all of this. Let's be honest.

authenticity.

authenticity has been at the forefront for me lately. The subject recently came up in a meeting i listened in on, and all the dialogue exchanged caused me to think pretty seriously about what authenticity means- how can i be more authentic in my spiritual/personal life? Basically, if I could boil down most of my discouragement/frustration in the past six months, it seems to have stemmed directly from a lack of authenticity- both in myself and in others.

Jesus was truly authentic. he said what he meant and meant what he said. He wept and cried out to God in his despair and pain. What do we do? we hide it. We hide our despair because it makes us weak and less than perfect. We believe that our sorrow and our tears are useless, that we aren't strong enough like Jesus was...we think that strength means something altogether different than what it is. I believe strength is found in authenticity. Our ability to be ourselves...angry, tired, confused, wounded- but also compassionate, kind, honest. Jesus was all these things at one point or another in his life. why do we have such a hard time bringing our humanity to God?

If love is to truly flow through us like living water, the source must be a purely authentic place within us. It must be from God.