big things and traveling mercies

I love how we can fall in love with people without really knowing them. This week I fell in love with Anne Lamott and her book "Traveling Mercies." As I read through half the book in Borders the other day, I fell in love with her sense of humor, her perspective, but most of all I fell in love with the fact that she loves Jesus so much. I actually found myself wanting to BE her for this fact. The problem with me lately is that I've been seeing Jesus as an idea that causes conflict and a religion that divides people. Anne Lamott showed me how stupid my idea was. and let me just scream, "MY IDEA WAS SO STUPID!" In fact, I believe strongly that Jesus is the opposite of my stupid idea. He is a man who brings peace and a God that brings people together in love...You know what I love about life right now? Despite feeling like I know absolutely nothing, I can't help falling in love with Jesus more and more every day. Whether it's through people like Anne Lamott, or a stranger's kind smile on the street, I find that when I'm looking for Him, suddenly He's there...a part of everything, calling out to me, asking me to let Him love me, to rest in Him. Jesus is thawing out all the frozen parts of my heart that have been left alone. Sometimes it hurts. It's like when your hands get really cold and you bring them back to warmth. At first it hurts and burns, but then life and warmth slowly returns. It feels nice to be returning to warmth. I don't like being cold.

This week I also realized that i love being in the presence of big things. On Monday I decided I would take the train into the city, take a walk, people watch, read some good stuff, and listen to some good music. On my walk, for most of the time tall skyscrapers joined me, several to each side. I felt so small. It made me feel insignificant in a good way. I like to be on the ocean and see no shore or in the mountains and feel lost in its trees or paths. It's important for me to realize that i am so small. It helps me not to get lost in myself. Then i can get lost in big things...like big buildings or a big God.

i would write more but my good friend karis just got here...we're going to see a movie. i like movies.

trees

So i went for a run this morning. It was actually pretty disappointing in a lot of ways. I was pretty out of breath and my mind felt cluttered with crap. I have a problem with worrying, in fact, I worry about worrying, and I found myself getting caught in worry as I heaved through Glen Ellyn, trying not slip on the packed ice. But then something happened, God spoke to me. There are moments in life where in an instant everything changes and I see God. This morning it was almost as if He erased my mind and brought me close, and all i felt was love. I noticed creation and how beautiful it is. It was as if i began to see through new eyes. The things i usually pass in a hurry became props on a grand stage all leading me to the same place-to God.

I'm feeling frustrated right now as I type this, because i feel at a loss for the proper words to describe it. Basically I was overwhelmed by God's love, by His presence in each moment. It is only if we make ourselves available in these moments that we may experience His love and share it with others. It's funny because as I was running I was listening to Death Cab For Cutie and fell in love with one of the song's lyrics. The song goes "instincts are misleading. you shouldn't think what you're feeling. They don't tell you what you know you should want." I really connected with that and was sort of praying that I would just feel God, not think Him. I think sometimes I think God too much. Then, answering my prayer, there I was. It felt like time was standing still, and my purpose was to just love everything I saw, drink it in, get drunk on all the beauty that exists in one moment.

For some reason it was the trees that most captivated me. I was amazed at how they all reach out to the sky in different shapes and forms. They take on a life and personality. They seem so wise. As we dart about our hectic suburban lives they remain in one place. I felt compelled to ask one for advice. If trees could speak, I bet they'd have a lot to say. Some of you may be thinking at this point that i've completely lost it, but the next time you're taking a walk or going for a jog, notice the trees. I'm excited to see them grow green leaves and take on new life in the spring.

Changing gears, I really want to go on a road trip this summer. Does anyone want to come with me? I was re-reading some parts in "Blue Like Jazz" this morning and decided that either by plane or by car I want to go to Portland and go to Donald Miller's church. and if i like it i want to move there or something. Donald Miller was talking about this church he used to go to, a big church that made him feel like he was at the Gap. I love the Gap, don't get me wrong, but I don't think I like worshiping in one. I've been feeling compelled to move lately. At first i thought maybe back to cincinnati, or even better, to the caribbean. Does anyone else feel the same way? Call me.

ferrets, imaginary friends and underwear

Life is funny and so unexpected sometimes. The past few days have been pretty fun and filled with moments that I would never anticipate, but that spice things up a little, and nevertheless make me laugh; actually, i'm laughing now, just thinking of them.

So my mom left town today, and i'm sad. Although it's no fun to be sad, it makes me feel pretty happy because i'm sad she's gone and not relieved. I've definitely had the relieved feeling which has its benefits, but always reminds me of the weighed down feeling i had when she was around. This time was different, and I think it's because she seemed so much happier, so much more alive and free. In a lot of ways my parents' divorce ripped me apart emotionally, but as time passes and I actually witness the happiness of both of them apart it becomes easier to see the good in it all. I'm no supporter of divorce, but i think any real connection and intimacy that my parents had wasn't lost in the paperwork, it was buried under layers of self-created pain and expectations. It makes me realize how much expectations hurt us, yet is it possible to live without them? I think we all have some sort of expectations for the way our lives will be, the people we want to marry, the kind of ways our friends and family should treat us. Are those expectations realistic? Should we have them? Now that my mom doesn't have the same expectations of my dad, it enables her to love him more fully, not for the man that she wants him to be, but for the man he is. Is there any way to escape the expectations that seem to be born of intimacy? perhaps...but i have no idea...

so on to the underwear...i had my most embarrassing moment this weekend...by far...hands down. and i thought, what better place than here to tell it. After all these years, i finally have something to say when people ask, "What's your most embarrassing moment?" It all began innocently. My mom and I decided to stop at TJ Maxx to buy some bras and underwear. Never too much bras and underwear..that's my theory. So I'm wandering through the underwear and walk up to my mom and say, "man, i LOVE buying underwear. What size do you think I am?" Except, no, it wasn't my mom at all. She had wandered off into home goods and i was asking a random lady what size she thought i was in underwear. The funny thing is that she replied. She matter-of-factly stated, "i don't know sweetie, maybe a 6 or 7." Then she pulled a choice pair of silky granny underwear and said, "what do you think of these?" Notice, i still haven't uttered a word, but my face changed about 10 shades. So, what to do? Walk away and pretend it didn't happen? sounds good to me. man, i was embarrassed. i feel embarrassed just thinking of it...ha..life.

so, on with the random...i had a chance encounter with a ferret today. it was sitting in my mail crate when i walked through the door. i think it's my neighbor's..ferrets are kind of gross, but it was actually cute and seemed to be smiling at me. I returned him promptly to my neighbor. maybe we'll meet again.

and the favorite part of my day....imaginary friends. not mine, i'm sad to say, but Robbie's. I woke up at dawn this morning to go babysit for little Robbie, 5. Hair askew, pacing back and forth, Robbie told me about his imaginary friend Sword Shredder. He said he looked like pokemon except he had swords for wings, arms and legs. It made me smile a lot. He was so serious, and believed so much that he existed. He even said that sometimes Sword Shredder enters his body and he starts to take on his characteristics. He then drew me a picture, but said it was nothing compared to the actual sword shredder. How great are kids?! I love them. Much like older people in our society, the good things about them seem to get missed, like their creativity and ability to live for the moment. After all, aren't we supposed to come to God as children? That thought makes me SO excited. Children are so free, so uninhibited..ahhh...some day...

oh, and by the way, emily lizer is the coolest friend a girl could have. and she's single. and she plays the violin like an angel. i miss her.

Listening to Al Green

hello. There's nothing quite like listening to some good motown while on your laptop fiddling around posting blogs and stuff...life is pretty good. mmmm!