An Ode to Meghan's Birthday

First things first, happy birthday meghan! 5 mor til you're 30!!!!!!!!!!

I had breakfast with my sister this morning. It was nice; nice because I just like talking with her, but also nice because it gave me a vision for something I feel is missing, not only in myself, but in the lives of so many people who are looking desperately for some outlet for their creativity. I think our artistic expression is downplayed as we all look for some way to fit in, to go with the flow, to tell people what they want to hear and be accepted. Where does our imagination go?

This morning Meghan told me she was lacking artistic expression in her life, and I think that’s a big deal. She looked really beautiful as she told me how she would just love to paint murals all over the walls of her basement, or write something great, but that she never does because she’s afraid that whatever she creates would ultimately be a flop, that no one would like it and she’d feel ashamed. I think I’m afraid of that too. I love to write, but I always feel like when I actually show something to people that it has to be good, not by my own standards, but by theirs. What gives something value anyway? I have to assume that anything is of value that glorifies God. And I think it glorifies God to see his creation just doing what he created them to. If that mean painting stick figures on your basement wall, so be it. If you’ve always dreamed of playing the recorder, go buy a recorder. Turn off the TV and find art- the creative gift God has given you to glorify Him. (Basically I’m telling myself that)

I’m reading this book right now called “The Allure of Hope” and the author Jan Meyers tells a story of an artist friend who, desperately trying to fit in somewhere, recreates herself in a marriage to a successful businessman and pastor, and spends her life mastering memorization and the study of the Bible. (both noble pursuits) However, in the process, “she became what she thought they wanted- at least she’d have a place at some table that way. She re-created herself and lost herself, and therefore lost God’s glory in the process.” Isn’t that what we want? A place at the table? The question I often forget to ask myself when I sit down at the table is, “Who’s table is this anyway? Why am I dining here? Is the food satisfying, or do I go home hungry?” It is my hope and prayer that I never sacrifice who I am, my creativity, my identity in Christ and God, to sit down at a table where actually, I don’t belong and don’t want to belong. (I’m not sure if that little analogy makes sense at all, but it sounded kind of nice in my head)

Anyway, does anyone want to start a business with me called, “Find Your Art- Glorify God”? We could be like important consultants or something and help people find their inner hidden creativity…I hear there’s a market for that kind of thing. wait, maybe I should figure out my own art before I start counseling others on theirs…or maybe I should find my own lost imagination. I’ll keep you all posted. (all 2 of you who may read this..and that’s a high estimate)

Much too long...

It has been much too long since I took the time to write down my thoughts instead of just letting them swim around my brain. I think they’re drowning up there, so perhaps this will give them a breath of fresh air. Everyone needs a breath of fresh air, even thoughts.

Much has changed in my life. Relationships end. Relationships begin. Old wounds heal, new are formed, and questions persist. However, I find that amidst all the questions, like always, I feel incredibly blessed. I feel blessed that I am not complacent in my life, and that God is blessing me with a renewed view of Him and just the enormity of Him. Lately, doubts crowd, and honestly, it makes me feel guilty. I feel ashamed for doubting the truth that is Christ. Through the guidance and loving counsel of my friends, however, Christ finds my heart in truth and love. As Donald Miller puts it about Christ, “There is so much more, so much that can’t be explained, so much more than our minds could possibly understand. It makes me wonder at the difficulty God himself had in explaining His nature to His own creation.” The mystery of God’s nature is intriguing to me, but I think what I’m learning is that I must choose to believe in my doubt, choose to cling onto the only source of truth and life that I have known and felt to be true in my heart. I want to choose light and life, and I find myself wondering why that is just so hard, and why I feel alone in that struggle. Perhaps I am not trusting, and, I think sometimes I just want to stop the struggle, turn off my mind and float through life. I think I over-intellectualize life in my pea sized brain and forget that God asks us to come to Him as children. I wonder if a child simply at play is much more glorifying to God than all our attempts to understand Him and fit Him into our little boxes and formulas. Maybe there are only a few real and true things we really need to understand. Christ is life. I know that.

I also know that I’m so thankful for the people that love me, the people who don’t shun me for feeling lost, confused, and doubtful. I think those people are my beacons of hope, and the lights that lead me to love and truth, and to Christ Himself